Guilt is very commonly associated with every person’s life. Subjective guilt is an uncomfortable feeling of regret, remorse, shame and self condemnation, which often comes when we have done or thought something which we feel is wrong, or failed to do something which should have been done. It is the inability to forgive oneself for a perceived wrong doing. This feeling can be extremely damaging and result in loss of self esteem.

In short, guilt is a feeling related to: Responsibility for negative circumstances that may have befallen yourself or others.

Regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present. Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings, or attitudes that were or are negative. An obligation for not pleasing, not helping, or not placating another.

Bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical,  stereotype manner.

Loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you.

Acceptance of responsibility for someone else's misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer.

A motivation to amend all real or perceived wrongs. A strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a ‘wrong’ course of action.

Little do we realise that people around us are most often the reason behind a person carrying the burden of guilt.  They may:

Make you believe they will suffer greatly if you do not respond positively to their request.

Respond by giving you a sense of blame, for past, present, or future actions.

Build up a verbal or imagined scenario that portrays you at fault for inaction, thus guaranteeing your sense of guilt and your willingness to do anything to alleviate it.

Accuse you of misdeeds, words, or actions to arouse your sense of guilt and make you believe you are the one with a problem in an interpersonal relationship difficulty. (This effectively takes the pressure off of them.)

Build a case with moral absolutes to convince you of the ‘right way’ to do things, avoiding that negative feeling of guilt for themselves.

Set up situations for you in which you will believe your alternatives are limited to that which results in the least sense of guilt.

Feign or fake unhappiness, incompetence, or other negative reactions to arouse your sense of guilt and have you take over those tasks, or duties, bringing imagined negative consequences for them Threaten negative consequences.

When the feeling of guilt has manifested into our thoughts, it can make things which could normally have been handled well, appear more and more complex. It could:

Make you become over responsible, striving to make life ‘right.' You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone happy.

Make you over conscientious. You fret over every action you take as to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants.

Make you over sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all of your personal actions, words, and decisions.

Interfere in your decision making. It is so important to always be ‘right’ in your decisions that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one.

Make you ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by guilt or the fear of it, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life nor experience the negative aspects. Some of the other common reasons in youngsters that could result in a feeling of guilt are:

Academic pressure

Constant pressure to perform well academically by parents irrespective of the child’s capacity can result in a severe feeling of guilt in children. The child develops a feeling of guilt every time the parent expresses his/her displeasure that despite providing the best of all possibilities the performance is low and starts comparing the child.

Post-abortion

Post-abortion syndrome symptoms may start immediately or years later. After the initial tears of despair from the emotional loss and the physical pain are gone, the decision to end a life may haunt. 

Victim of abuse

Guilt is a typical reaction in abused victims. The abuse may have been physical, sexual, or emotional. May have been children, spouses, the elderly or anyone but the victim ends up carrying the blame for the same. Coming out of an abuse can have long term immeasurable effects such as bitterness, anger, hatred  and distrust or one may even repeat abusiveness toward others.

Alcoholism

The need to hide one’s weakness towards a particular habit which is otherwise unacceptable in the society and the family may leave an alcoholic with a feeling of absolute guilt.

The key note to overcome this complex feeling of guilt is to seek help at the right time and overcome the feeling


The author is a counsellor at Sneha Counselling Centre and can be contacted at  9886962158