The mirror crack’d from side to side

This is the journey of a daughter who adored as well as feared her mother and how she learnt to forgive herself for the relief she felt after her demise.

This is a book that should certainly not be judged by its title, disturbing as it is. How could a daughter be so rude to her cancer-suffering parent, more so when her career as a child actor was literally shaped by her mother? Why would a celebrated actor regret the early years of her life, and lament her life purpose of keeping her mom happy? Reading McCurdy is akin to the experience of riding a wave: you plunge into a bracing narrative, never quite sure where you’ll emerge — only certain that whenever the ride ends you’ll find yourself in uncharted territory. This debut memoir of the child star of a popular television sitcom is amusingly heartbreaking but sadly furious.

An unsettling autobiographical narrative, it chronicles years of emotional distress caused by her demanding, unstable mom, Debra. Born into a family with three older brothers, McCurdy found the household fully controlled by her mother. Such was her mom’s control that the author found the house an embarrassment that would often make her feel tense and anxious.

Disturbing confessions

McCurdy’s candid reconstruction of her journey from teenage to adulthood is a saga of emotional, mental, and physical abuse that was the result of moulding an innocent something into ‘mommy’s little actress’. At an age when little girls are mischievously playful, McCurdy was trained to view life as an innate opportunity.

Pulled into auditions from age six, painting eyelashes and whitening teeth were but outside manifestations; more unsettling were the strict diet restrictions and the regular genital examinations enforced on the little child. The confessions are relentlessly cruel and disturbing.

Could Debra be fighting her own devils to escape the social and economic deprivation she inflicted on the household? Her rigid perfectionist approach and abusive behaviour pattern may not be uncommon, as many parents indulge in sacrificing the early childhood of their children to make them celebrities through reality shows, little realising that the road to instant fame leaves lasting impressions on teenage minds. McCurdy didn’t emerge from her childhood unscathed, her harrowing experience of ‘losing herself’ fills the pages of her sad, honest, heart-wrenching and startling journey that the reader will empathise at a deep level. It is an insightful coming-of-age story that seeks freedom, the enjoying-myself part of what makes each human curate one’s natural tendencies, responses, thoughts and actions.

Complicated truths

I’m Glad My Mom Died is a journey to understand this complicated truth; of striking a balance between having adored and feared someone as close as a mother, and missing as well as being relieved when she is gone. It is a psychological exploration of self-awareness, to seek a space for oneself through self-assertion, realising that “so much of my life has felt so out of my control for long”. It is a cultural document of contemporary relevance. It makes compelling reading to understand and know the cost of making others happy.

McCurdy confesses that all the time she spent orienting her thoughts and actions to please her mom was indeed pointless as after her demise she was left wondering who she is, and what she should wish for. What makes this memoir different from others in the genre is how McCurdy strikes a balance between hard truth and dark humour. She avoids evoking self-pity but lays bare the emotions that raced through her celebrity life. It is left for the reader to make sense of her confessions. On her part, McCurdy not only looks back on her mom’s abuse with resentment but also acknowledges the abuse and manipulation she was subjected to.

In detailing the testing time the author had to go through, she rejects the idea that childhood stardom is fun while asserting that the media world ignores human emotions. “Once you become a celebrity, you are no longer a person, but an archetype,” she tells the world outside.

I’m Glad My Mom Died is as much a book of hope as despair. McCurdy learnt the hard way that guilt and frustration can be helpful in moving forward. She took the bold step of letting go of her acting career in a flash and switched to hosting podcasts and writing. What she has compiled in 310 pages of her memoir is an immensely readable coming-of-age-story, that is fearless, reflective, and inspiring. I could not put this book down.