Banging doors, silent tantrums and heated arguments are a rite of passage for teen girls and their mothers. Tactfulness and a friendly approach can help ease the limbo phase of adolescence, avers Mary Chelladurai.
“Try to train yourself to let those expectations go. After all, you watched ‘Star Wars’ and didn’t expect a visit from Han Solo. It’s no more realistic to expect a perfect relationship with your daughter.” - Moira McCarthy Throw in the words “teenage” or “adolescence” and a parent’s ear is sure to cock up like a rabbit’s. There is much fussing over this period for kids, as they tend to drive their parents up the wall.
A much-confusing limbo between childhood and adulthood, teenage years are highlighted with bio-social changes. The physical development, with a sudden spurt of growth, often leaves the teenager feeling awkward. This is further triggered by countless number of emotional and physical adjustments. In our country, more often than not, boys (kid, teenager and young adult alike) run free, and rarely anything is expected of them. Girls, on the other hand, are subjected to “pruning and preening”, making it harder for them to breathe easy during their adolescence.
Teenage girls often find it hard to come to terms with their physical changes, what with pimples sprouting all over their bodies, developing breasts, body hair and stretch marks here and there. To add to their woes, they undergo a roller-coaster ride of emotions, from happy to angry, all in a span of few minutes! It is, indeed, a challenging period for teenagers and their parents alike.
I remember the incident of a 14-year-old pretty girl, Chitra. She hailed from an orthodox family and did very well in studies. But she was very unhappy with her mother, as she didn’t allow her to wear short skirts and low-neck blouses. Chitra’s peers had no such issues and so, she couldn’t see why it should be any different with her. One fine day, after her mother had left for work, she simply packed her bags and took off to her friend’s place. She switched off her mobile phone and convinced her friend to do the same.
Upon returning from work, Chitra’s mother was terrified as she couldn’t trace her daughter. Eventually, she went to the friend’s house and was relieved to find her; she expressed as much. But Chitra did not show any sign of remorse. Her facial expression clearly said, “This serves you right”.
Chitra’s incident is rather typical of most adolescents’ attitude and, surely, several mothers have faced similar or worse situations with their teenage daughters. So, what can mothers do to ease this phase for themselves and their teens?
Show interest in hers
Spend time together eating out or watching a movie she likes. Read a book that she has read and discuss it. If she loves to listen to a certain type of music, talk to her about it, whether or not it is of your liking. Simply letting her do the talking, while listening to her intently, can go a long way in building a bond.
Let her make her choices
Be it books, clothes or anything else, make sure you let her choose whatever she wants. Do not judge her choices. You can give your opinions; just don’t control what she chooses. If her choice seems unreasonable, calmly reason with her about why you think she shouldn’t go for it.
Give freedom, with boundaries
Teenagers have a great urge to want the freedom of an adult, but to ignore the responsibilities that come with it. So, reason out the boundaries and make certain negotiable and non-negotiable rules. While it is important to trust them with freedom, there should be consequences when adolescents do not fall in line with the rules.
Make peace with cold wars
Every now and then, there is bound to be cold wars between teen girls and their mothers. It is best to simply give it a rest for few hours, or days even, until both cool off. Do not react harshly on the spot. Calm down, gently bring up the problem topic, and then, let your teen girl do the talking first. If she reacts too harshly, then make it clear that you won’t tolerate such behaviour.
Spoil her. A little.
Make her feel like a princess once in a while. Make her feel confident in her own growth. Occasionally, give in to her demands and cravings, probably spoiling her a little, but ensure that this does not lead to overindulgence.
Let her be daddy’s girl
Some teen girls seem more attached to and open up easily with their fathers. Such fathers usually love to make their little girls feel cherished. When such is the case, do not be behind the scenes to manipulate and control what is happening between them. Encourage healthy and emotional bonding between the two. This will also help her understand physical and emotional boundaries with the opposite sex.
Be her friends’ friend
Get to know your teen daughter’s friends. Invite them over for lunches, parties or movies. This way, you will know whether she is in the right company, and if not, gently express your opinion about the company she keeps, without being too critical. Instead of just pointing out the bad ones, pick out and praise the good ones in her circle of friends.
Here’s a “Do not” list from Dr Scott Sells, author and therapist for adolescents:
n Do not constantly preach and nag. This will stop them from relating to you.
n Do not focus on their shortcomings and failures. This will lower their self esteem.
n Do not act like a saviour, giving instant quick-fixes for their problems. They are not always looking for solutions, but, perhaps, someone to talk to.
n Do not criticise their friends. This will keep you from knowing the company your kid keeps.
n Do not label or compare. This will make them feel hopeless. Instead, help them recognise their own strengths and weaknesses.