Communicating positively with children

 Affirmative communication with children is achievable and it is essential to maintain a special bond with them, writes Rajalakshmi Swaminathan.

Awise old owl sat on an oak. The more he saw the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. Why aren’t we like that wise old bird?

Any relationship flourishes or fails according to the communication levels between individuals. This is true for children too. Children evolve and develop their understanding of the world based on the inputs from parents, teachers and friends. From stories to life lessons, everything communicated to children often has a lasting impact.

Communication is certainly beyond a mere exchange of words. Many parents are often clueless about the everyday routines in school or outside their homes simply because a child does not talk about it. Almost every child has said, ‘How I wish you would understand me!’ to a mother or father at least once. Every teacher faces the challenge of ensuring complete understanding of every concept taught in a class.

Although it seems like a huge hurdle, positive communication with children is in fact achievable and a very necessary element to maintain the special bond with a child.
What is Communication?

Communication is a two-way process, and that includes what we say, how we say, when we say and also what we do not actually say with words. There are three elements of communication in the context of children.

n Listening: The first step to any successful relationship is positive listening skills. One cannot be part of a conversation while watching TV or working on a computer. Simple acts like switching off your cell phone or laptop while a child wants to express himself will make a huge difference. A child feels neglected when a parent is not an active listener.

When this becomes a repeated pattern, the child looses hope of a parent actually hearing what he has to say and can become a reason for a child to be withdrawn. As children learn through imitation, they will follow the example of listening without interrupting from parents.

In a school environment, a child’s listening skills are put to test. A child has to pay heed to all instructions given in order to make the learning complete. While this might seem to be enforced in the initial years, it is certainly beneficial as one grows older.

n Understanding: Children are often not credited for their amazing ability to understand people and situations. Kids can easily perceive people’s mood with the most subtle gesture or facial expression. Unfortunately, the opposite is not always true! Parents may not always understand a child’s tantrum as an indicator of hunger, sleepiness, insecurity, fear or hurt from any other situation. Such challenging situations are the ones that call for greater understanding.

As children spend four to eight hours a day in school, communication with teachers and friends can influence a child’s mindset significantly. Teachers face the daunting task of ‘connecting’ with not one or two but a classroom full of unique personalities before ‘correcting’ him/her.

n Expression: Children are often unfairly labeled as 'shy' or 'talks too much'. A child’s lack of initiative in striking a conversation or excessive chatter could be a hereditary trait or simply a reflection of the type of personality he/she is. Both are perfectly normal behavioral patterns.

The key is to help children develop positive speech patterns, clarity of speech and articulation. Parents have to express appreciation and disapproval for their children with equanimity. For example, 'You remembered to tell me what your teacher told you at class, that's nice!' or 'Wow! You did all your homework by yourself !' are some statements which can really boost the child's confidence level.

Appreciation of a child’s efforts along with identifying and highlighting strengths are vital components of conversation with kids. Some healthy ways for parents and teachers to express themselves to children include non-judgmental statements, avoiding comparisons and providing constructive feedback. Statements like 'What is wrong with you?' or 'How foolish can you be?' are to be totally avoided. Such remarks do not help in fostering a healthy self esteem. A relaxed body language, gentle tone of voice and positive speech patterns are a must to make a child comfortable and actually understand what is being expressed.

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” ― Robert Fulghum

It is a great habit to make a special time of the day as ‘family conversation time’ for at least 10 minutes without outside distractions. This will surely help remove inhibitions, keep everyone updated on each other’s challenges, make children more empathetic and help strengthen the family bonds.

In the recent years, there are significant changes in most schools where class rooms are more open to group discussions, interactions and participatory learning methods. Elocutions, debates, drama and such stage performances are fantastic methods of developing children’s communication skills.

Children are a reflection of parents and the young ones of every generation are a reflection of society. We need to work towards creating a world where communication is not a stumbling block, but a means for personal growth and enrichment of the soul.

(The writer is the CEO of a leadership training centre for children.)