Difficult conversations: Just have them!

Every workplace situation has elephants in the room. Issues that are on many employees’ minds, that lurk in corridors and are the centre of chai breaks — and, yet, in a large forum like an office townhall many find it difficult to raise their hands and voice them. When we find it tricky to work with a colleague, we are more than happy to write passive-aggressive emails, frequently adding people in cc simply to make our point, rather than just picking up the phone and talking through it.

When we disagree with what is being said in a meeting, we struggle to speak our minds, and we stay silent when asked for feedback even when we have lots of it to give. Many of us spend years silently going through challenging relationships with bosses, often constantly blaming them in our heads, rather than addressing our differences with them. We seem to think the easiest way out is to avoid these situations altogether.

People may actually want to help solve our issues, but they need to be given a chance to do so. After all, no one can read your mind! It’s also important to remember that people judge us much less than we think they do.

Incidentally, all of us who were present at that performance review laugh about it now, and in hindsight that is how many difficult conversations end. A strong and mature association is one in which we can have these conversations without them affecting us or the relationship.

Being honest

I have found that being honest is the easiest way to mend tricky relationships, not just with bosses, but also with colleagues and peers.

Some of the most difficult conversations are the ones that need to be had after we make mistakes — whether they are small errors or big, glorious blunders. In the mutual fund business, we sell promises more than products: the promise of future returns that may not be realised if market conditions don’t favour what we do.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we underperform and sometimes there is a mismatch of customer expectations. In either of these eventualities, we end up with upset investors and disappointed distributors.

At the time I was appointed CEO of a company, the flagship fund was going through a rough run performance-wise. Because it was the flagship product its underperformance cast a wider shadow on the brand, agitating customers and distributors. On my first trip to Delhi, six days into the job, I drew on my inner Amitabh Bachchan swagger and told my team to set up meetings with the distributors who were giving them the roughest time. They obliged.

I went into the meeting that day ready to take some flak but found myself totally unprepared for what I faced. For an hour after I entered the conference room, it felt like I was being attacked from all ends. Without a break. At the end of the hour, I decided the best thing I could do was to admit that our performance hadn’t been good, but reassure the customers that we would work towards making it better.

Speaking up matters

When the ego is out of the equation, you will express yourself more openly and fearlessly. I have known what it is like to not speak up in a meeting for fear of saying something that is not smart enough or of people thinking less of me. I found it even tougher when those participating in the meeting were seniors with strong opinions, people who had a lot more confidence to speak their minds.

Over the years, I’ve learnt that speaking up matters. Asking tough questions, especially publicly, builds a safer and more open workplace and countering someone’s point of view leads to productive arguments, which only help the organisation.

A few years ago, I learned there was something called a Marshmallow Challenge, where small teams have to build a structure in 20 minutes using spaghetti, tape, strings and marshmallows. The winning team is the one that is able to construct the tallest structure, with a marshmallow at the top, within the time allotted. The idea is to collaborate quickly to complete something, and the study has produced fascinating results.

Apparently, the group that performs the best, apart from architects, is kindergarten kids and the group that performs the worst is recent MBA graduates. The latter spend a lot of time managing egos and figuring out what to say to each other, the study claims; kindergarteners, on the other hand, skip status management, say things as they are and combine their energies to build the best structure.

(Edited excerpts from Limitless: The Power of Unlocking Your True Potential by Radhika Gupta. Published by Hachette India, 2022)