Is your child a bully, or is she being bullied? A subtle distinction can be made only by a close, unbiased observation. Let us begin with the premise that each child is well-mannered and brought up with basic ethics, assuming that no parent tutors their child to grow up to be a bully.
In retrospect, we have all been subjected to bullying at some point. While traditional bullying was physical, the advent of technology has advanced the scope and impact of bullying. Cyberbullying can cause maximum emotional damage.
We encounter several cases of teenagers refusing to return to schools or colleges. This stays invisible until the repercussions increase manifold, and the target is engulfed in perpetual embarrassment and has withdrawn into a shell. Parents are caught off guard by this sudden “observable” development.
Being a bully
Today, the digital presence of pre-adults is inevitable. While cybersecurity is a buzzing training topic, digital hygiene or etiquette is not prioritised enough.
Assuming physical and digital personas to be identical is folly. Parents are generally in denial mode when questioned about their children’s involvement in bullying or ragging. Every flabbergasted parent claims their son/daughter to be the kindest, most compassionate, honest or loving individual.
While visible physical behaviour can be observed, mentored and corrected, the digital persona provides an un-pruned, unmonitored, unquestioned, unapologetic, invisible presence that can drastically differ from the child we see. Technological empowerment provides wings to the attribution of all characteristics as per the whims and fancies of a child’s mind. The capability to go incognito and anonymous and the ease of simultaneously maintaining a plethora of fake accounts can be lethal when the intent is to bruise.
Being a spectator
An important factor overlooked is group dynamics. No individual can bully another unless empowered by the presence and consent of peers or society. What hurts more is not as much the bullying words or actions but the implied consent of others around. The principle of praise in public and criticism in private is widely adapted in all managerial and behavioural recommendations because of the proliferation of the intended impact.
The presence, encouragement, and consent to bullying make a person equally responsible and party to a crime. ‘Misprision of felony,’ for instance, is when a person faces criminal charges if they witness a crime but remain quiet.
There are two reasons why a child joins a bully. First, every child joins a bully just to feel secure in a group. It is human instinct to choose security over vulnerability, but in the process, they don’t realize the insecurity and cruelty inflicted on the target.
The second is called a herd/mob mentality in behavioural sciences, where one thinks or behaves in ways that conform to others in a group. When uncertain, an individual always thinks the other is better informed.
Bullying is a group dynamic, a bandwagon effect in action, where everyone wants to hop onto the bandwagon and adopt certain styles, behaviours or attitudes just because others do so without discretion.
Helping kids in trouble
One cannot claim to be a mute spectator, don a mask of impassiveness, or claim innocence. Encourage your child to report or speak up, for tomorrow, they might be the target.
It is important to understand why a child can be a target for bullying. Every child, irrespective of age, sex, colour or appearance, is a potential target. A child need not be an outlier to be singled out and targeted.
How can we stop our kids from becoming bullies and help those who are targets?
Help children understand that any repetitive action of intimidation, harassment or coercion is by choice.
Ask children to think before commenting or sharing a view digitally. Ask them to be empathetic and gauge if they would be okay receiving the same text/message/comment from others on a social platform.
An abrupt end to a buzzing conversation is equivalent to an awkward silence; it indicates that someone is hurt. Make sure to end each day by reconciling and retrospecting the conversations.
Calling out a bully friend can help your friend avoid getting into deeper trouble. It is the best a child can do for a friend.
While fun is an integral part of friendship, even more crucial is to identify, acknowledge, and apologise when one crosses the line.
Make sure children know that digital footprints can be easily traced and retrieved at any time and can tarnish a child’s prospects. It can also ensure punishment.
Cruelty in any form is not socially acceptable. Even one child’s choice to stop or end bullying can help contain its exponential increase in repercussions. As a line from Michael Jackson’s song goes, “Make it a better place for you and me and the entire human race.”