Toxicity won’t go away, we need to deal with it, keep our peace

A few days ago, a young person asked me how I cope with toxicity. I responded with brevity, but the question got me thinking about toxicity itself -- I mean, the vileness and violence of words and gestures.

This form of manifested rage is specifically designed to paint a person as an ogre, or at least insinuate this. Like slow poison, this constant singular colouring then convinces a group of people that there exists no emotional person behind the name. Once this is achieved, showering abuse upon that person is easy and guilt-free. The individual becomes a dartboard for target practice. The targeted person often goes through depression, loss of self-worth, and begins doubting even their most honest actions. This form of toxic assault occurs in homes, at workplaces, and in public life.

I would like to believe that, more often than not, people who are toxic are not deliberately of that nature. There is a trigger that causes them to be. The person who presses that button may also be prey to another trigger, controlled by another individual or group. This causational thread could be endless and even traverse generations. Many caught in this loop are convinced that something fundamental about their personal identity, power, belief, way of life, political or social stances is under threat. To them, this becomes a fight for a cause, and toxic abuse, a weapon. They might not even think they are crossing any lines of decency and decorum.

On social media, this venom is spread on personal WhatsApp groups and emails. If the target and subject is public in nature, then morphed video or audio clips and out-of-context quotations are used as tools. But this has also been happening in the non-virtual space for generations. Starting off as gossip or small talk, over a period of time, toxic ideas achieve the same goal of dehumanising somebody. Because such things take longer in the physical world, it is harder to achieve and sustain. Reality also gives space for lived experiences, and real community partnerships, unlike ‘online friendships’, help temper toxicity. The speed of the virtual world makes that impossible.

The other advantage that online toxic trolls possess is, of course, anonymity! Not everyone is an innocent victim of the toxic chain. There are manipulators in the mix, operating opportunistically to effect this domino of negativity. They are people of power, who know what they are doing, and do so because they gain from this caravan of cause-effect. Unfortunately caught in this web are those who need psychological help, hurting themselves as they go about attacking others.

Toxic communication is always personal. It is a targeted arrow aimed at an individual or a very small group of people. The blatant abuser is easy to spot, since his commentary is openly vulgar. Others are difficult to identify. They hide their toxicity behind shrouds and masks, confusing and hurting individuals with word-play and psychological games. The tone of what is said will seem benign, but the implications of what is communicated are not. Respectful vocabulary is also used to cover personal attacks.

These strategies are clever, because they can convince even those who are in principle against toxic attacks that what is being said is acceptable and even a conversation. A conversation between individuals can never begin when one conversationalist is being condemned, because character assassination demolishes the possibility of conversational equality. This toxicity also attracts the mob, preventing fearless thinking. Toxic hate is also demonstrated without the spoken word, through body language. It hangs heavy in the air, in the way people look at you, or the artificiality of exchanges. The intention is to belittle and reduce you.

Dog-whistling is a favoured form of toxic expression. Dog-whistlers speak in a manner that seems utterly genuine, as though they are seekers of a larger goal. But built into that narrative is an appeal to others to do whatever is necessary to protect that ‘larger goal’. This is probably the most dangerous technique. It allows for the instigators to take the moral high ground and remain insulated from any consequences. The followers will not see it that way, and continue to act as loyal foot soldiers.

But, what can a person do if he is a target? The simple answer is to just stay away from the toxic, whether in the real or cloud world. This is easier said than done, and it is impossible to live in such a manner. I am providing this advice from a place of social comfort, a protective vest that helps me through these difficult phases. There are many who are targets on an everyday basis, stuck in the whirlpool of this hate, struggling with their mental health. It can be harder for some people to identify and communicate when they are victims of such toxicity. What really matters is who we surround ourselves with.

We need a support system – people who will just listen; friends who will speak the truth, question our interpretations of events, but be there when everything goes south. Professional help can also be helpful in these situations -- a safe space where you can speak, cry, listen and just be, a person who has an outside perspective and helps you navigate the turmoil. Toxicity is here to stay and we need to find mechanisms to keep our peace and find happiness.

Beyond all this, we have to all learn to move away, stay still, do nothing, and just observe. Let the noise pass.